Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Truck for Sale, Cheap: A Monument to Suffering and Neglect

You can't replicate this kind of character.
Paolo needs a new truck. This much is certain. He’s put it off and put it off, as neither of us is wild about the idea of a new monthly payment. But he works as a stonemason and general contractor. So that means for hauling rocks or hauling roof beams or hauling construction debris, he needs a reliable truck.

Let’s focus for a moment on the word reliable. See, Paolo has a truck. It’s a 2007 Mahindra, an Indian brand that is popular in Italy. And I’m sure when it was new, the truck was a gem. But then something happened to it. Paolo bought it. With much love and respect to my husband, he has destroyed that poor truck. He’s driven it across rocky creek-beds and through the narrow streets of stone-built villages. He’s loaded it with more cargo than it can handle. And he has bounced it like a rubber ball through most of Umbria.

This one's broken, but the other one still works.
Oh wait, no it doesn't.
Now that we have to sell the old truck in order to buy a new one, I know there’s someone out there who wants to give this vehicle a new lease on life. So to pique your interest, I’d like to highlight just some of the road-tested experience in the short, difficult life of this noble vehicle:
  • Once while out truffle hunting, Paolo nearly rolled the truck over into a ditch. Only a strategically placed boulder kept it from tumbling 180 degrees. He and his friend Matteo climbed out of the nearly-sideways truck and made a track with rocks in order to level the truck and drive out. You could pay big bucks for a vintage look like this, but these scratches and dents are included at no extra charge.
  • The battery dies and has to be replaced, often. Once when it was dead, Paolo tried to run the truck downhill in order to pop the clutch and get it going. But the engine still didn’t turn over, and he ran the truck into an olive tree instead. The bumper still features the original dent from the olive trunk. What character! 

  • This was caused by an olive tree. Or was it a ditch?
  • Another time, he was backing up through our yard and didn’t see a huge hole in the ground where a tree had been. The truck hit the hole, and slid against and olive tree, crushing the roof and jamming shut the driver’s side door. He tried to say that one was Matteo’s fault for not warning him about the hole. The door opens now, but the roof is still dented.
  • On a rainy day while Paolo was out truffle hunting, the truck starting sliding through a muddy field, and slide within a few meters of a cliff. Paolo had to call a friend with a tractor to come pull him out of the field. This was a few years ago, but I think the mud splatter is still on the truck.

By now you’re probably saying to yourself, “Sounds good, but what about standard features?” Fear not, Dear Future Truck Owner, this baby’s loaded:
It's kind of like looking at the world
with a Cubism mirror...
  • Both the side mirrors are cracked. They’re also broken from their mountings—this is from driving through those narrow streets and scraping the mirrors against stone walls—and held on, badly, with silicone caulk. Not only does their flexibility allow you to more easily pass through narrow village streets, their flapping in the wind as you drive will be sure to attract the envy and attention of other drivers.

  • The automatic driver and passenger side windows no longer function with those pesky buttons. In the wintertime, the windows are cleverly held in place with a putty knife. In summer, they are open all the time, to let in those cool breezes and occasional rain storms to wash the upholstery. And, we’ve taken the liberty of removing the door panel from the driver’s side, so you don’t have to.
    Would you believe it still has that
    new car smell? Probably not.
  • Who likes driving at night, anyway? No worries. The truck’s headlights, taillights and brake lights don’t function. So you can park it at the end of a long day and be secure in knowing that you can’t take it out again until daylight. Just be sure to get home before it gets dark.
    Really, those door panels only
    have aesthetic function anyway.
    No need to worry about messing
    up the upholstery...
  • Since the windows stay securely closed during winter and open all summer long, there’s no need for heat or a/c, neither of which function. However, if you want a powerful blast of hot dirt in your face, turn the heating/cooling system on full blast—it functions as a great exfoliate.
  • Don’t spend another dime at the dentist on a painful, expensive tooth extraction. With the finest Indian suspension system, the tooth-rattling ride this chariot provides will save you a mouthful of dental fees. Note: Riding in vehicle not recommended for women in any stage of pregnancy, or for individuals with back, neck, or joint pain, or at risk of heart attack, stroke, or accidentally biting off their tongue when hitting a bump in the road.

I know what you’re thinking. A peach of a truck like this has surely already been plucked. But fear not, Dear Future Truck Owner, she’s still available, and waiting just for you. That said, we're going truck shopping this very weekend, so time is of the essence. So go ahead. Don’t be shy. Make us an offer. Please. Please.
The truck even claimed a victim...Paolo
recently backed it into our car.

No comments:

Post a Comment